


You Mean A Lot To Me

by storytimewritings



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Death, F/M, Flashback, Philinda - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-27
Updated: 2015-02-27
Packaged: 2018-03-15 11:53:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3446207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storytimewritings/pseuds/storytimewritings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So, it’s obviously based on the ‘You mean a lot to me. A lot.’ scene, a look at an interpretation of what May could have been thinking. Because I personally felt that she hesitated because she wanted to say ‘I love you.’</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Mean A Lot To Me

**Author's Note:**

> So this was my first ever real attempt at fanfic. It’s been sitting on my computer for a while and I thought it was about time I got it out…
> 
> It’s strange because I normally write from Coulson’s perspective, mostly because I’m as in love with May as he is, but my first fic ever was written from the pov of my favourite character ever, which is cool, I think.

“I…” _I love you_ , she wants to say. But she can’t. Not now. Not ever. Not after all that’s happened.

She’s loved him since before Bahrain, maybe even since the Academy. But it’s too late for her.

Maybe she should’ve taken him up on his offer long ago, back when things weren’t so complicated. Before Bahrain, before New York, before…this. Before she had to put their whole relationship on the line with this lie. Damn Fury. As bad of an idea as it had sounded, he knew that she wouldn’t be able to turn it down. She wouldn’t be able to abandon Phil, to have his very existence depend on someone else. Someone who didn’t know him, who wasn’t willing to take any risks for him. Someone who couldn’t possibly understand how it felt the first time he died. Someone who didn’t feel the pain, the frustration and the anger, knowing that they could’ve saved him, if only they’d been there.

***

Fury, Hill, Barton, Romanoff, Stark, Rogers, Banner, Thor…they’re all here, right at the front, paying their respects. Where she should also be. But it’s too much, too hard to handle. There’s someone else too, a woman, tears streaming down her face. Audrey. Phil spoke of her often. A cellist, from Portland. They’d been planning a trip, Phil had mentioned once or twice, so in love that he was. Melinda feels a brief spark of resentment, tries to tune it out. It’s not the poor woman’s fault that she couldn’t get her act together, that she had left him waiting too long. That after Bahrain she’d pushed him away. That he’d decided to move on.

The whole of SHIELD had shown up to farewell the hero, something that would simply embarrass dorky Phil Coulson, to be called a hero. But he was. He had taken on a murderous god with no backup and honestly none of his skills could have helped the situation. Mostly, it’s the no backup situation that haunts her. If she hadn’t been so focused on retreating in on herself, of breaking away from one of the few real relationships she’d had, maybe she’d have been there for him. Been able to provide backup. Maybe instead of him, she would be the one in that coffin. That scenario would’ve been preferable to her, to everyone really. No one needed her. But Coulson, Coulson was important to so many people. To Fury, to The Avengers, to Audrey, to herself. People like her needed people like him…but no one ever really needed her. She was good at her job, but that’s it. No one depended on her for anything else.

Besides, she could hardly go out there looking like this. Dirty, unwashed, smelling strongly of vodka, dried tears staining her face. After all she had done, pushing him away, she didn’t deserve to still feel such a strong connection to him, a need to be with him. She was no longer the number one in his life as his best friend, Audrey was. What would it look like if everyone saw her in such a state, worse off than Audrey herself? It would certainly paint a picture, an obvious one at that. She hadn’t even been able to tell Phil himself, there’s no way she could let anyone else see her like this, heart on her sleeves, completely vulnerable.

Fury probably knew though. Unable to show up to work after New York, she’d holed herself up in her apartment, drinking the pain away. It had been at least three days before anyone had tried to contact her. On Fury’s orders, it had seemed. He had walked in on her lying on the floor, clutching an old Captain America shirt Phil had left before she’d fallen apart. She’d never been able to give it back to him. Their friendship may have been on its last legs, but when the nightmares visited her, it helped her get through them. That shirt was the only thing left of their friendship, and she couldn’t bear to part with it.

Fury had taken one look at her and sighed, clearly unsurprised. Perhaps he had known all along. Not really much of a shock though, everything considered. Nick Fury was a mysterious man with a mystifying way of discovering everyone’s secrets. The real question was how long had he known.

Taking her eyes off of the coffin for a few seconds, she notices Fury watching her discreetly. It makes her uncomfortable to know that someone is witnessing her weakest moment, that her emotions are, for once, so clearly visible. Mostly though, she’s heartbroken, that she’d never gotten the chance to tell Phil just how much he had meant to her, that she’d never been able to apologise for after Bahrain. Melinda wasn’t in the habit of having regrets, but now, now she regretted never giving them a chance.

***

“You mean a lot to me. A lot.” He’ll never forgive her. Never trust her again. This time, the price was too high. And now, she’s lost everything. The only person she ever let in completely. Gone. For the second time in her life, Melinda May is heartbroken…but this time he’s alive. That’s something to be thankful for, at least.


End file.
